KISS ME HARDY

Remember the Battle of Trafalgar in which that Great National Hero, Admiral Horatio Nelson, took on, and beat our long-term adversaries, the snivelling Frenchies and their slimy Spanish allies.

Yes of course you do..

But what would have been the case if that famous battle had taken place in the present day?

Picture the scene:...

October 21st 2016- Upper Poop-Deck - HMS Victory - 0700 hrs

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye, sir."

N: "Hold on a minute, that's not what I dictated to the signals officer. What's the meaning of this?"

H: "Sorry sir"

N: (reading aloud) "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?"

H: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equalopportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

N: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

H: "Sorry sir, you're not allowed to smoke whilst on board ship. All naval vessels have been designated as smoke-free working environments."

N: "In that case, Hardy, break open the rum ration and we'll splice the mainbrace before the battle."

H: "The rum ration has been abolished, sir. It's all part of the Government's policy on Binge Drinking."

N: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it then. Full speed ahead."

H: "I think you'll find there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water, sir."

N: "For fuck's sakes, man! We're on the verge of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all speed. Send a man to the crow's nest."

H: "Not possible, sir."

N: "What??"

H: "Elf n Safety have closed the crow's nest sir. No harnesses, and they say that the rope ladders do not meet current regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

N: "Then get the ship's carpenter without delay."

H: "He's busy building a wheelchair access ramp to the fo'c'sle, sir."

N: "Wheelchair access ? I've never heard anything so absurd."

H: "Elf n Safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled"

N: "Differently-Abled? I've only got one eye and one arm, and I refuse to hear mention of the phrase. I didn't get to be an Admiral by playing the disability card."

H: "Actually, sir, you did. The Admiralty was under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

N: "Whatever next? Give me full sail, the salt spray beckons."

H: "A couple of problems there too, sir. E&S won't let the men up the rigging without harnesses and hard hats, and they don't want them breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

N: " I never heard such infamy. Break out the cannons and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

H: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

N: "What? This is mutiny!"

H: "No, it's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. 

ESPECIALLY THE ROYAL MARINES 

In fact there's a couple of Legal-Aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

N: "How then are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

H: "Actually, sir, we're not"

N: "What??"

H: "No sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. And, according to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in these waters. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

N: Devil take it, Hardy. You must hate every Frenchy as you would hate the Devil himself."

H: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you say that, sir. You'll be up on a charge."

N: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of our King."

H: "Not any more, sir. We must all learn to be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, sir. It's the rules, and it could save your life."

N: "Don't tell me, Elf n Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

H: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu, and there's a ban on corporal punishment."

N: "What about sodomy?"

H: "I believe that it is now legal, sir."

N: "In that case, kiss me, Hardy."

    

JUST CALL ME DAVE

First off, please let me introduce myself. 

My name is Jean Shelmerdine and I’m the head nurse at a facility better known as the Evergreen Springs and yes you’ve guessed it, this facility is a retirement home for the elderly and infirm, with a title like that it couldn’t really be anything else. 

Well if it’s alright with you, I’ll get straight to the point of why I’m about to tell “you” something I’ve never, ever told anyone else and with good reason. 

You see if I had told anyone the truth, of what really happened at the time, I would surely be incarcerated in prison at best, a psychiatric institution at the very worst, so here goes.

It was 9.15am on a bright autumn morning, Monday 21st September 2005 when Mrs Tinkle yet again, for the umpteenth time tried, I might add, to perfect another wheelie..

Which really isn’t ideal when you’re a 91 year old just recovering from a heart attack brought on by a recent hip replacement.

The doctors weren’t sure whether the heart attack was caused by the fall down the care centre’s steep entrance steps, or the disappointment of not being able to perform said wheelie.

“Mrs Tinkle that’s enough, you know what happened the last time and we wouldn’t want another repeat accident would we now,” scolded one of the staff,

“Back off sister” Mrs Tinkle hissed, “it isn’t cool to interrupt me when I’m in the zone.”

“Oh dear,” sighed Norma Thomkins, another one of the resident staff, “she’s been watching the bloody Matrix again, how many times has she seen that now?”

“Not sure” said I, just arriving on the scene. 

I clapped my hands loudly together and shouted, “someone’s not getting apple crumble and custard for pudding today, can anyone guess who that might be?” 

One of the other nurses leaned over to take hold of Mrs tinkle’s wheelchair whilst arching an eyebrow assisted with a knowing smile. 

Mrs tinkle glared at the nurse and then myself, released both wheels on the chair and with a reluctant sigh, desisted from another such wheelie attempt.

Whilst passing by Mrs Tinkle then looked up and staring me right in the eye, muttered, “this ain’t over girlfriend,” I’m gonna do em whether you like it or not, you feeling me?”  

Smiling sweetly I just nodded and after the old dear had passed by I rolled my eyes stating rather loudly that from this moment onwards, “there was to be no more showings of that sodding movie, The Matrix.”

Walking toward my office I could hear a telephone ringing, on answering it a voice on the other end kindly informed me that a replacement nurse was on the way and that if deemed suitable would be able to commence employment immediately.

As soon as I’d replaced the phone there came a short but polite knock on my office door. “Come in” I answered.

A tall rather good-looking man entered my office, I say good looking, but in fact he was drop dead bleeding gorgeous and if the truth be known and I’m not afraid to admit it, I instantly decided there and then, even if he’d had the IQ of a jelly fish, “he” was going to work for me. 

“Please, take a seat,” I gestured toward the chair in front of my desk. 

As hard as it was I eventually managed to avert my eyes from his and onto the e-mail on my computer screen.

After swiftly shaking hands and experiencing static electricity that only comes from someone “who you know” is the one, I introduced myself. “You have rather an unusual name, erm, David Ellory Anthony Tibbs Hoskins,”

“Please,” interrupted the dishy man and he smiled a smile that would surely have to be regulated by the international atomic energy commission, “JUST CALL ME DAVE.”

Hindsight’s a wonderful thing but if I knew then what I know now I would have left that office, even while Dave was still sat there and got my coat, walked through the front door never to return.

But of course I didn’t and what proceeded to happen shortly after that mind-boggling introduction happened and that’s why I’m telling you this crazy story.

The moment David Ellory Anthony Tibbs Hoskins (Dave) commenced employment there was an immediate change of atmosphere at the Evergreen Springs. 

I couldn’t put my finger on it at first, but there was definitely a distinct change in the behavioural patterns of all the residents. 

The first of those strange occurrences was, on whilst performing the usual evening rounds, checking all our “guests” were comfortable, I heard music drifting down the main corridor. 

On heading nearer toward the slow melodic sound I suddenly recognised the tune. it was “Melancholy Serenade” by the great 1930s bandleader Tommy Dorsey. 

Peeking slowly through the part opened door I saw something or at least I think I did, I’m still not bloody sure, but I’ll tell you just the same.

Well, there, directly in front of me was one of the residents, Mrs Edith Blackshaw and she was dancing with someone and this someone was in some kind of uniform. 

I watched, almost guiltily as if I was some kind of prying voyeur at the slow intimate clinch in front of me, slowly and methodically waltzing to the strains of Tommy Dorsey. 

I also noticed Edith was weeping freely; I waited until the record had finished and then prepared to enter Edith’s room, gently reminding her about the rules pertaining to guests after hours.

Just as I was about to enter the room I heard a noise, quickly glancing around I then realised there was nothing there, so I again turned my attention to Edith and her strange dance partner.  

Politely knocking I then entered, to my utter disbelief there was no stranger, only Edith, now seated, but still with tears streaming down her face.

At first it was as though Edith hadn’t noticed my presence, because she glanced to her right and whilst still sobbing she said the words “thank you.”

“Whatever for” I replied,

“No not you, him!” 

I suddenly realised “there was” another person in the room and straining my eyes, the lights were on real low, there sat in the corner of the room and wearing that same killer knockout smile, “was Dave.”

I glanced again at Edith and said, almost incredulously, “what’s going on here?” 

A sound came from the other side of the room and Dave on standing up, slowly strode over towards Edith and myself. 

Again Edith looked directly at Dave and said the same words over and over again, “thank you thank you thank you.”

“For what?”  I asked, it was Dave’s turn to speak this time. “Edith here” and he beamed that million watt smile again, “informed me that today was her 70th wedding anniversary and that her and her dear departed husband’s favourite tune of all time was this one and Dave pointed toward the still spinning vinyl 78 inside an old antique gramophone. 

Dave carried on. “On hearing this I suddenly remembered, with having a substantial record collection, I actually might have this very record and hey presto, whadaya know.” 

I just stood there staring, not at Dave, or Edith, it was at a photograph on the mantelpiece and the faded picture inside that old frame was of a handsome young man in what looked like an RAF uniform. 

I looked at Edith and whispered, “is that your,”

“My husband,” interrupted Edith, “why yes and it was taken just before he died, seventy years ago.” 

I could hardly move, but somehow found the nerve to politely bid goodnight and it was all I could do, to not leg it out of there as fast as I could and yes you’ve guessed it, the man I just saw dancing with Edith and as large as life, was her late Husband!              

                             

 Even though I knew, really knew I’d seen Edith dancing with someone that had been dead for over seventy years, all the logical elements in my brain refused to believe it and again we arrive at that wonderful word “hindsight.”

Because like the interview at the very beginning, that should have been the prompt to saddle up and get the hell outa dodge.

Dave had only been employed a week and already had all the residents eating out of his hand.

Nothing was too much trouble for Dave and anything the residents asked for, he’d damn sure try his best to accommodate them.They really had all taken to him, that is all except for one.

I heard the shouting from my office, even with the door closed and immediately knew who it was doing the shouting. 

On opening the door, there was Mrs Edna Tinkle red in the face, one hand holding the right wheel of her wheelchair, the other clutching a large walking stick, of which she was now brandishing extremely vociferously in the direction of Dave.

“Mrs Tinkle, may I ask what all the commotion is about?” I said, knowing full well the answer would probably be because she hadn’t been allowed to perform any wheelies or other such outrageous, dangerous even, practices.

****

Let me just tell you a little bit about Mrs Edna “twinkle toes” Tinkle, so called because before becoming wheelchair bound and of course entering the twilight of her life, Edna had been a prominent member of the Paxton theatre Dance troupe.

She’d even been a regular extra for such acclaimed movies like Singing in the rain and Westside Story among others, so as you can see, Edna as well as being a character in her own right, was actually something of a celebrity at the Evergreen Springs. 

If you think Edna’s dancing career was remarkable, that was nothing when you consider Edna had been born with autism as well as encountering a mild form of cerebral palsy, immediately finishing poor Edna’s dancing days and rendering her wheelchair bound until the day she would die. 

You’d think that would finish most folks off, but not our Edna. She had a passion for life, even at 91 and after watching her favourite movie “THE MATRIX,” you would usually find Edna performing various stunts from the movie, particularly the motor cycle scene, hence the wheelies.

****

“Get “him” the hell away from “me,” cried an obviously distressed Edna Tinkle, 

Dave just stood to one side and even with the bazillion candle watt smile, he didn’t seem to have cut it the same with Edna like he had with all the other 49 residents.

“Mrs Tinkle, really, is that any way to treat a new member of staff?” I said, even though a few doubts had been cast about Dave, regarding some of the weird stuff and his seemingly annoying ease at which he had endeared himself to all the residents and so quickly.

However, one had to give one the benefit of a doubt, with that in mind I again took Edna Tinkle to task over why she was treating Dave the way she was.

Edna had locked eyes on Dave and to be quite honest, even tough Edna could and had, been a royal pain in the ass, I had never seen her in such an agitated state of mind. 

I glanced at Dave and in a knowing nod of the head and still radiating the lantern smile, he respectfully and shall we say diplomatically, headed off to another possibly more receptive and accommodating resident.

Staring at Edna, who incidentally was still warily eying the disappearing Dave I said, “would you mind telling me what that was all about Edna?”

Edna stared out toward where Dave was stood a moment before and then slowly began to chant what sounded like the lyrics of a song.

             

 *****

 

 “Watching the hour from the light in his eyes,

He waits for your soul to come in from the sky,

But it’s lost below lost below.

Turning the wheel of your destiny round,

When the motion stops no more sound,

Dose anybody care any body care.

 

Who can tell you what to do

When Mr time has come for you.

See the truth hear the lies

There can be no compromise.

And who can tell you what they knew,

When Mr time has come for you.”

*****

 

By the time Edna had finished that creepy and somewhat bizarre chant, she was staring up at me and another pivotal moment came to pass that sunny Tuesday morning, Edna cried.

I never thought I’d see the day, hard as nails was Edna, but there she was, right in front of me sobbing like a small child.

I immediately reached down to comfort Edna, however Edna had already returned to her stoic self. 

Brushing me away she looked at me right in the eye and said, “You’ve no idea have you?”

I returned the look with an equally quizzical expression, “about what?” I asked.

“You know?” replied Edna and nodded in the general direction of where Dave was moments ago. 

“No, I don’t think I do”, said I. “should I” said I again? Edna was smiling again now and even though her makeup was a little smudged she seemed to be ok. 

“Can I go now?” Requested Edna

“Yes of course and I dutifully stepped aside as Edna trundled past. She got to within about six feet away when Edna slowly turned and still smiling said something which sounded just as weird as the lyrics she’d been chanting.

“Does everyone else 'like' Dave?”

“Well yes, I guess,” I replied. Edna smiled again and this time she said something that just did not make one iota of sense at all, well then it didn’t.

“Does Dave own a watch?” Again with rather a puzzled expression on my face I said I wasn’t sure and that up to now I hadn’t seen Dave with a watch. 

This time Edna began to laugh softly, which started to creep me out a little, “Oh you will, Miss Shelmerdine, oh you will and when you do."

Edna suddenly stopped, preformed an expert 180° turn and swiftly wheeled away, all the time chanting that strange rhyme.

Swiftly looking at the clock on my office wall I uttered the words “sod it.” After locating a hidden key I proceeded to extract a bottle of 12 year old malt out of the bottom draw in the filing cabinet, as I poured myself a rather generous measure I noticed I was shaking like a leaf and slowly but surely, though I didn’t want to admit it, I was scared to bloody death.          

           

 

 

 

Three days later it happened. 

Just like that and god forgive me for not realising then what was about to transpire, but you know what?  I honestly think there’s nothing no one could have done to prevent it and when I tell you why, you’ll see exactly what I mean.

It was a Friday morning only this one wasn’t sunny like the rest of them had been, it was kind of gloomy almost foreboding.

Again with hindsight that would have been very appropriate given what was about to happen. 

I looked around at all five of my staff, it was the usual pep talk before the day started in earnest and I just wanted to confirm that everything was on track for the big birthday party.

Marie Smith was celebrating her 90th and though she didn’t want any fuss, “Dave” said it was no trouble at all and he himself had taken personal responsibility for organizing said bash, good old Dave.

“So everything’s set then,” I said, everyone said yes apart from Dave who just nodded and smiled even more intensely this time, as if that was possible.

The party started at around 2pm with Dave doing the disco.

First record on was another Tommy Dorsey hit and yes you’ve guessed it, “MARIE.” “

So considerate,” murmured one of the staff, “so dishy,” said another. Everyone was in love with Dave, staff as well as the residents. 

Even the male contingent of our happy flock, though grudgingly, really did like Dave, albeit in a manly way.

After all the cakes and sandwiches had been eaten, homemade lemonade quaffed, along with the odd sherry, tables were drawn back and chairs stacked, it was dance time. 

Again Dave played the resident DJ and if I didn’t know any better I could have sworn the smile on Dave’s face was intensifying.

Whilst all this was going on, there was one noticeable absentee.

Yes, it was of course, Mrs Edna Tinkle that was until now! 

The doors to the main dinning room door suddenly crashed open and there, seated in her wheelchair was the most amazing sight I had ever seen!

Edna Tinkle had somehow managed to kit herself out with what can only be described as a makeshift suit of armour.

Adorning her legs were some kind of old cricket pads, attached to her torso and bound with what looked like duct tape was an old metal dustbin lid, heaven only knows were she’d acquired that. 

Edna Tinkle’s arms were clad in some kind of leather hawking gauntlets which incidentally one of them was brandishing the ubiquitous walking stick. 

Finally, propped rather precariously and lopsided fashion upon Edna’s head was an old metal colander.

Believe me, this really was a sight and the look on everyone’s faces was simply unforgettable. 

Just as I and the other staff were about to intervene, Edna shouted out as loud as she could.

“Please forgive me Marie, I’m really sorry to have crashed your birthday party but I think it’s time you all knew why “HE’S” here.” 

Edna was now glaring directly at Dave. 

For the first time since his sudden appearance at the Evergreen Springs, David Ellory Anthony Tibbs Hoskins wasn’t smiling and everyone noticed that fact immediately!

“Well,” do you wanna to tell em or shall I?

By the way Jean.” Edna was looking at the “me” now and gesturing toward the rest of my staff, said, “it really would be in your best interests to get the hell away from here and as quickly as possible, that’s if you want to see tomorrow.”

I quickly advanced towards Edna, as much in the hope of calming her more than anything else, as well as getting to the bottom of this ridiculous charade.

The walking stick was suddenly raised and in an unusually steely voice Edna uttered the words, “don’t make me use this Miss.”  

Another voice spoke up and this time it was Dave.

“Please Miss Shelmerdine, I’ll take it from here,”

“I beg your pardon,” said I, rather indignantly. 

Dave carried on walking towards Edna and myself. He smiled again, though this time it wasn’t a normal smile, it was one of purpose and need it was a smile that said everything was just going swimmingly and nothing was going to stop whatever was going to happen.

“That’s far enough you.” Edna pointed the walking stick at Dave in a rather an aggressive manner, while all this time all the other 49 residents watched on in a hushed silence. 

Dave looked at me with those amazing come to bed eyes and said, no/ ordered, even, that I should really take Edna’s advice and leave along with the rest of my staff.

I don’t know why but something deep down told me something terrible was about to happen and the first and foremost priority was the safety and welfare of my staff along with the residents of course. 

None of the four nursing staff complied at first, that was until Dave stared at each and every one of them, they immediately left the room and unbeknownst to myself at that time had completely departed the building as well.

“Well, we’re waiting,” muttered Edna.

Dave stared again directly into my eyes and suddenly I felt very cold. A voice inside my head whispered, “this is your last chance, you cannot see what is about to happen here, go, go now, before it is too late.” 

I shook myself and staring directly back at Dave I said, “No can do, I can’t leave until I know what’s going on here.”

Dave smiled again, though this time it was a little gentler, almost apologetic, he began to speak.

“You really don’t know who I am do you Jean?”

I looked puzzled and replied that he was called David Ellory Anthony Tibbs Hoskins, as soon as I’d said that name again, Dave slowly reached out and gently caressed my left cheek. The touch sent shivers down my spine. 

“I have many names young Miss Jean Shelmerdine, in fact throughout the countless millennia of time and space and touching billions of souls, man has given many names and descriptions for the likes of me.”

It suddenly dawned on me who Dave really was and I began to cry with total and utter disbelief, laced with abject fear.

Dave spoke yet again,.“Don’t be afraid, Jean, I am not here for you, not yet, my business is with your guests.” At that point Dave swung round to cast his malevolent gaze toward all 50 of the current Evergreen Springs residents. 

No one moved no one spoke; it was as if all those gathered 'knew' that this day would inevitably come.

“So now you know,” cried Edna and throwing the walking stick down on to the dining room floor she looked up toward Dave and then said, “well, what are you waiting for, lets get it over with, I’m tired of living anyway.”

Dave slowly moved toward a now very still and compliant Edna. Equally slowly, he reached into a trouser pocket. There in his hand was a large gold pocket watch.

I just stared in utter disbelief as Dave, or whoever the hell he/it really was, gently touched Edna on her forehead. Immediately that happened, a sort of mist or vapour seemed to erupt out of poor Edna’s mouth! The vapour hesitated for a second and I could have sworn it spoke, then it seemed to disappear inside the gold watch.

Edna was now slumped lifeless in her wheelchair and Dave deftly went about his macabre business around the dining room, collecting vapour from all the other unresisting 49 residents of the Evergreen Springs retirement home.  

                                       

 

 I carried on witnessing something probably no human being was ever meant to see and as well being terrified, I felt sort of awed at the way a thing older than time itself went about it’s grisly work.

As soon as Dave had finished harvesting all 50 souls I asked him a question.

Upon seeing Edith Blackshaw dancing that night, was that really her late departed husband or was I hallucinating? 

Dave smiled and then said, “no, you weren’t hallucinating Jean, that really was Edith’s late husband, I would say in the flesh but that wouldn’t be strictly true.”

“How,” I asked. 

Dave smiled yet again and dangling what must have been the most beautiful gold watch in the world in front of me he said, “not only can I take souls, I can summon them back, if and when it pleases me, you could say it’s one of the tricks of the trade.”

Suddenly Dave stopped smiling and in a rather earnest manner cocked his head to one side as if he was listening out for something. 

“Well,” said Dave, “it seems I have to be somewhere else” and with that he again, much to my horror, I had already seen how he’d reaped all the others, gently caressed my cheek and a whispering voice inside my head said, “sleep, young Miss Shelmerdine, sleep and until we meet again.” 

When I regained consciousness, Dave had gone and it suddenly dawned on me that I was in a dinning room inside a retirement home with fifty very dead pensioners in front of me.

What would “you” do if “you” were in that situation? 

Well I’ll tell you what I did, I bleeding ran, didn’t look back, didn’t even grab my coat I ran as fast as the legs God gave me could run and didn’t stop running until I got to the travel agents.

Five hours later I was airborne and heading for the first country I could think of that didn’t have an extradition agreement with the UK.

Why run, you say? Why not go to the authorities and explain exactly what happened? 

Yes, exactly, that’s the point earlier in the story where I mention the very real possibility of incarceration, probably in my case a high security nut house. You see who in their right mind would believe a story like that?

Whether anyone reading this story believes me or not and quite frankly I don’t give a toss, when you’ve seen or been through what I’ve just witnessed, you’re really past caring.

Fortunately I’m not married and haven’t got any kids, so at least I didn’t have anything to worry about there. However as I write this letter/ diary/story whatever you want to call it, I still feel all of this was “my” fault.

Maybe if I could have spotted something earlier on and even believed what Mrs Edna Tinkle, God bless her soul, was actually trying to tell me, then you know, I might just have been able to prevent what was going to happen.

I’m going to close off this tale now dear reader and like I said, whether you believe me or not is up to you, but as I sit in my hotel room in Puerto Plata one thing I can guarantee you is this.

You will never see or hear from me again, because I can’t cope with the burden of knowing that I might, just might, have been able to prevent the deaths of 50 people who were in my care.

Goodbye!

 

 

Jean Shelmerdine

*****

 

THE CONCLUSION

 

 

 Jean Shelmerdine walked out of the hotel Playa Dorada with nothing but only the clothes on her back. 

After a few short minutes Jean arrived at the beach and facing her were the warm waters of the Caribbean Sea. 

After a brief moments hesitation, Jean, still clothed walked steadfastly toward the gently lapping waves.

There were a few holidaymakers around, but no one seemed to be interested in the lone pale skinned female heading directly into the sea.

As jean carried on walking she saw him!!

He seemed to just rise up out of the water like some ghostly spectre. I suppose a little bit like the lady of the lake in King Arthur’s knights of the round table.

Dave floated toward Jean and with that same blazing smile nodded; Jean returned the nod in a sort of acceptance and waited.

Similar to when in the retirement home, Dave gently reached out toward Jean’s forehead, with the watch already open and in one last gasp, Jean Shelmerdine’s soul left her body and entered the timeless void of the gold pocket watch.

All over the news that week was of course one thing. Emblazoned in the tabloids screamed the headlines.

“MISS DEATH STRIKES IN THE EVERGREEN SPRINGS RETIREMENT HOME” and “WAS THIS MASS EUTHANASIA OR “MURDER?” The headlines intensified even further when news of Jean’s death broke from the Dominican Republic.

“MISTRESS OF DEATH TAKES HER OWN LIFE” “CARRIBEAN DOOM QUEEN ENDS IT.” 

Of course even after intensive investigations no one ever really got to the bottom of how all the occupants “really” died and whether Jean Shelmerdine took the blame or not is entirely irrelevant because when it is time to go it’s time to go and no one knows that more I.

For I am the one they call The keeper of time. The taker of souls. The grim Reaper. The Angel of Death, indeed there are many titles and not “IF,” but “WHEN,” we meet and believe you me “WE WILL” and I hold my hand out to greet you whilst the other one is opening my watch. Please don’t be afraid and yes of course you can, “JUST CALL ME DAVE.”  

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE END

 

                         

 

THE CHAIR

There are lots of mysteries in the great ride that is life.

Everyday, something pops up and once again, the old grey matter has to get to grips in an effort to sort out said problem..

Unexpected bills, juggling the incomings with the outgoings, a long lost relative suddenly turning up but not wanting to leave, you get fired, a moron whilst using a cell phone crashes into you but insists that its all your fault!! 

I suppose its what makes us human, being able to deal with the day to day multitude of potential calamities that can quite literally pop up out of nowhere…

But what if one day a problem arose and it wasn’t your normal common or garden problem?

As in not supposedly natural? Does the human brain still work the same way? Millions of complicated neurons all behaving like problem solving nano-bytes desperately trying to work out what in the heck is actually going on!!

Well ladies and gentleman, this is exactly what happened to Tom Banks one sunny October afternoon in downtown Salem Massachusetts. 

*****

Tom Banks slowed to a halt and then after leaving the midnight black Dodge Nitro SUV in gear, jumped out and stretched.

It had been just over three hours in the seat driving all the way from New York and Tom hoped it had been worth it..

Tom Banks worked for Sotheby’s, the internationally renowned auctioneers and Tom was “their” man for the North Eastern United States area.

Even though Sotheby’s usually sold/auctioned other peoples goods and took the obligatory commission, Sotheby’s employed its own team of experts who were obviously more than capable of spotting a bargain or two if the situation should present itself..

Tom, along with his other esteemed associates, would scour areas across the US looking under every stone if possible for “that” certain golden nugget..

Of course the bigger the nugget, the bigger the commission and Tom would be paid quite the handsome fee if he found anything worthwhile, as well as already earning a sizable salary.

Tom armed the alarm on his pride and joy and then headed off down into the main downtown area of Salem where all the usual antique shops were situated.

Tom smiled, he was a card carrying Christian, so though he didn’t believe in any type of hocus pocus, he was still absolutely amazed at all the various displays and paraphernalia pertaining to the infamous Salem Witch trials..

After several hours poking about in various antique emporiums, Tom decided he would call it a day. 

He was bitterly disappointed, he figured if anything and in of all places, surely he would discover a trinket or two in Salem Massachusetts? 

Tom disconsolately headed off back to the dodge and so begin the three hour trip back to the big apple when he spotted something!!

There, tucked right away down at the bottom of a small cul de sac, was a tiny little antique shop.

Tom hesitated for a few seconds, glanced at his watch, sighed a little, then said, “oh what the heck” and trundled off down the small cobblestone street toward the shop..

Tom stopped outside and duly peered in through the window, he murmured to himself that he wasn’t gonna go in there if he didn’t see anything worthwhile in the window.

Suddenly Tom got goosebumps and a weird feeling came over him, like an invisible wave, he couldn’t work it out, but the feeling was telling him to enter the shop..

Tom felt like something was calling him. “nuts,” he suddenly said to himself aloud and as Tom turned to leave, the door of the shop opened!!

“Hello young man, is there anything I can do for you this fine October day?”

Tom turned around to see who it was and there, standing in the doorway, was a little old lady wearing what Tom thought appeared to be an old black shawl..

“Errm, well I was just sorta curious Ma'am, but,” Tom showed the old lady his watch, “Time’s a gettin on and I have a long journey ahead of me,” Tom smiled genuinely when he said this.

This however didn’t put the old dear off, no no, in fact it made her even more determined and almost insisted that Tom enter the shop, even it was for only a few minutes. 

Tom couldn’t explain it, but as soon as the old lady said those words, he felt compelled somehow, to do exactly as he was told and he did!!

The old dear smiled back at Tom, but though Tom’s smile was natural and genuine, this particular Lady’s smile seemed to be more knowing, almost wanting!!

Tom Banks entered the tiny little shop following the little old lady and as he did so, he wondered to himself on what a strange name the shop had…

*EVERYTHING HAS ITS PRICE* shouted the rather ornate gold lettering above the shop front.

Tom stopped as the old dear, who by this time had introduced herself as Martha Brown, invited Tom to have a look around.. “Feel free to touch and examine anything you want,” she shrilled.

Tom still in a befuddled state of mind, turned around to stare at what seemed to be just bits of old junk, he glanced back in the direction of Martha but much to Tom’s consternation she wasn’t there..

Must have disappeared into the back thought Tom to himself, he also thought she was a rather a strange old bird too.. What with that funny accent, wonder were it was from mused Tom, it seemed like a British accent, but he wasn’t absolutely sure.

Tom lifted a few items up to examine them, an old copper pot, the odd painting, there was even a collection of handmade broomsticks, “strange,” murmured  Tom, “never quite seen anything like that before.” 

“Like em son?”

Tom spun around the see Martha standing there again, how in the heck had she managed to appear so quick like that without him spotting her?

He glanced back at the strange broomstick collection and replied, “Well I have to say, what would anyone want with a collection of old broomsticks, people use vacuum cleaners nowadays and not aware of anyone who collects them as antiques?”

Martha grinned an almost sinister smile when Tom said that last bit and replied by saying, “What makes you think they’re antiques son?”

Tom glanced momentarily back at Martha as if to fathom an answer, but he just couldn’t and anyway his eyes had been drawn to another object, right at the back of the shop… 

Whatever it was it was covered completely in a sort of black sheet, a dust sheet thought Tom to himself.

He didn’t quite know why, but Tom, almost mechanically, mesmercaly if you like, reached over to touch the sheet…

A gnarled old hand suddenly and with alarming strength grabbed a hold of Tom’s outstretched forearm.

Martha almost hissed, “best ya don’t do that son.”

Tom stared in utter disbelief at Martha and then down at the iron like grip Martha held him in, Martha slowly relaxed the grip and gently pulling Tom’s hand away from the covered object she began to smile.

“It’s the owners prerogative to unveil any 'covered 'objects inside the premises, you understand?” 

Again and mechanically, Tom nodded that he did, though rather dumbfounded none the less. 

Martha, satisfied Tom was far enough away now from the object, drew back the cover!! 

Just as the cover was being slowly removed from whatever was under it, Tom could have sworn he saw what appeared to be strange markings on the black sheet, indeed if Tom hadn’t known any better, he would have believed they were some kind of hieroglyphic, or rune??

Tom Bank’s breath suddenly left his body in what seemed like a giant whoosh, as though someone had suddenly stuck a vacuum cleaner pipe down his throat and sucked all the air from his lungs!!

There, in all its glory, was the most beautiful antique chair Tom had ever seen in his life and Tom had seen some of the best looking antique furniture in the business, but never ever quite seen anything at all like this incredible piece of art.

Tom glanced toward Martha as if telepathically asking permission to touch this beautiful object, Martha smiled that strange grin again and slowly bowing her head, waved a gnarled hand toward the chair. 

“Like I said, feel free to examine and touch anything you want, cover’s excluded,” Tom could have sworn he saw Martha wink when she said that.

Tom slowly walked around this incredible, well he would say chair, but it would probably appear to be some kind of throne, like ancient kings or queens would sit upon..

It was obviously very old, that bit was easy to figure out, but what Tom couldn’t work out is where it had actually come from and from what period in history? 

Martha appeared to have read Tom’s mind because she gently interjected. 

“That chair has been in this shop for at least 300 years, no one knows how and no one knows why, its just always been there, beautiful ain’t it?” 

Tom didn’t respond to Martha, he were so lost in the sheer beauty of this thing and couldn’t help noticing all the strange markings carved into the chair.

In fact these markings were all over the golden brown coloured chair and if Tom was correct, they weren’t dissimilar to the same strange markings on the cover!

After several more minutes examining this incredible artefact, Tom popped the question..

“How much?”

Martha cracked yet another grin and slowly getting near to Tom, she gently reached out a hand to hold Tom’s left wrist, albeit this time a heck of a lot more gently.

She pulled him closer and stared Tom directly in the eye whilst talking, 

“Ya sure you wanna take this chair home with you Tom Banks?”

Tom, who it has to be said was becoming a little unsettled with this strange old woman and nervously looking back at this beautiful chair nodded that he did indeed 'want' the chair..

“How much are ya prepared to pay Tom Banks?” Hissed Martha, this time almost nose to nose with poor Tom.

An extremely disconcerted Tom had decided he wanted to leave this crazy old crone and this spooky old shop, but he wasn’t going anywhere without 'that' chair.

“Anything,” gasped Tom, “name your price, I just have to have that chair.”

Martha’s smile was now blazing like a bazillion candle watt bulb and she repeated word for word what Tom had just said…

Martha suddenly let go of Tom’s hand and slowly stepping back said, “and so you shall Thomas Banks from New York city, so you shall, and yet the only thing I want off you in return is this.”

Martha led a somewhat relieved Tom over toward the chair, gently turning him around, the old dear then asked Tom if he wanted and freely of his own will, to sit in the chair?

Tom, without any hesitation at all, slowly lowered himself onto the beautifully sculpted golden brown chair…

Tom immediately felt it!!

Tom’s whole body appeared to be locked into the chair, as though he were somewhat becoming one, with the chair!!

Tom screamed and tried to get up, but he couldn’t move a muscle.

“What have you done to me?” Again screamed Tom..

Martha appeared to be changing too, a sort of amazing metamorphosis was taking place directly in front of a disbelieving Tom. 

Martha it appeared, had changed into a beautiful young woman and leaning now toward what seemed to be a slowly disappearing Thomas Banks she said..

“You  fool, you were so easy, like a little fly caught in a spider's web, well just before you go forever, please allow me.”

Martha, or what was once Martha gently leaned over and sensually planted a wet kiss upon the lips of a now terror stricken Tom Banks..

Then the beautiful creature stepping back spoke again for one final time…

“Like the sign outside says, everything has its price, mine was your soul for my immortality.

Tom gasped for the last time and asked what did she mean?

The chair was forged in hell by my master’s slaves and possesses all who freely strike a bargain with anyone of the master’s daughters.”

“You mean, you’re a witch?” 

Martha cackled demoniacally and stepping back from Tom said, “not anymore, I am immortal and you were the last human sacrifice that ensured my complete freedom, its taken 330 years, but it was worth it.”

At that point Martha flipped a bunch of automobile keys up in the air.

She’d unbeknownst to Tom picked his pockets earlier and so now owned everything Tom had owned previously…

Martha then blew a now nearly faded Thomas Banks a big fat kiss and cackling even more, disappeared out of the shop front door forever..

As soon as Tom had faded into nothing, the chair itself spontaneously combusted into flames and as a result.

*EVERYTHING HAS IT'S PRICE* completely burnt to the ground leaving nothing behind!!!

What became of poor Tom?

I’ll let you good folks figure that one out…….

THE END

SEEING IS BELIEVING

 

St Pancras Station, London England September 1940

 

Four forlorn looking children stood upon the platform at a very Smoky St Pancras station.

Yes they were waiting for a train of course, which was going to take them to Liverpool where then they would board a steam ship which eventually would take them all the way to The United States of America.

There were two boys; Peter, 6 and Jack, 11 as well as two girls Sally, 10 and last of all Lucy aged 12. 

There was of course a noticeable absence of any parents or guardians and the reason for that was rather catastrophic. 

The children’s Father, Jack Robinson, was tragically killed in action at Dunkirk. Kathleen Robinson, the children’s mother passed away even more tragically as if that were possible and in the most wretched of circumstances.

There had been an air raid on the Hammersmith area of London, one of hundreds at that time and on rushing back to the house and against the wishes of the local ARP. 

Mrs. Robinson had forgotten her ration coupons and she didn’t know how long they would all be down in that infernal air raid shelter, so leaving Peter Jack Sally and Lucy with neighbours, Kathleen Robinson scooted back the three hundred yards to the house.

Seconds after entering, the last thing Kathleen would ever hear was a high pitched whine and consequently a one thousand pound bomb plunged straight through the Robinson’s roof..

Several other houses were also destroyed. 

There weren’t any other surviving members of the Robinson family that is all except for one. 

Uncle Cyrus had emigrated to the USA in 1937 and unlike his brother Jack who joined the British Army Expeditionary force that landed in Belgium and shortly after got chased out of Dunkirk, Cyrus sold his all stocks and shares and invested them in a US munitions factory in South Dakota.

Little did Cyrus realize even in his wildest dreams, that six months after buying a 51% stake in American Armaments inc, Franklin D Roosevelt, god bless his cotton socks affirmed to all and sundry that from now on, “America” was looking after No1 and subsequently declared the BLUE EAGLE BRAND.”

That, coupled with a massive rearming program of unprecedented levels, made Uncle Cyrus Robinson a very very rich man indeed.

 Three years later, Cyrus sold said munitions company to one of the richest families in America for an undisclosed amount and consequently bought a mammoth sized mansion just outside Boston Massachusetts, which is where the four remaining members of the Robinson family were now “supposed” to be heading.

 

 “Ready everyone?” Said Lucy turning around to look at the rest of her charges. “Oh Peter for heavens sake,” she cried. 

Peter had a cold and as such had a constant runny nose of which the contents were now dripping from his nostrils as well as all over his left sleeve. “No no no Peter use your handkerchief like I showed you.”

“Don’t want to,” snapped back Peter, however, Lucy having adopted the matriarchal role being the eldest albeit involuntarily, suddenly produced one of her own and after spitting on it, literally swabbed Peter and as much as he struggled, resistance was futile.

A loud voice boomed out of a nearby platform speaker. "This is the last call for the 10.20 London to Liverpool Lime Street, calling at Birmingham New Street, Crewe, then Liverpool Lime street, last call."

“Come on gang,” cried Lucy and amidst all those crowds of people, four very brave children, with their young lives in turmoil and still not knowing what the hell what was going to happen next, ploughed on regardless. 

Peter, Jack and Sally duly followed their big sister Lucy and shortly after managed, only just though, to finally board the 10.20 London to Liverpool train...

 

Three weeks later

 

The SS Pride of Liverpool blew her horn loud and proud as she entered Boston harbour.

Any accompanying Royal Navy escorts had now headed for Nova Scotia and for the last leg of the trans Atlantic crossing, the twenty strong convoy that had set out from Liverpool just over three weeks ago were now closely chaperoned by the US Coastguard.

Remarkably, none of the twenty escorted ships were lost, even due to excessive U boat activity in that part of the North Atlantic..

Amongst all the passengers that were currently disembarking from the Pride of Liverpool were four kids from Hammersmith and it has to be said the suit cases they were carrying were a lot larger than they were. 

In fact from a distance it looked like all four suit cases had sprouted legs and were now walking down the gang way by themselves.

Lucy, Sally, Jack and little Peter waited patiently in a long shed like building with a large sign saying “US immigration and customs.

Just then a tall man in a uniform suddenly appeared and looking at Lucy said, “are you the Robinson family from England?”

“Yes sir,” said Lucy and holding out her hand she said “and you are?”

The tall man in the uniform was lost for words, here in front of him were four little kids, thousands of miles away from home and this particular young English kid had way and above any class of any high rolling big shots he’d ever come across and Patrick Kelly had seen a few.

“Well I’ll be a son of a gun,” cried Patrick and his heart instantly melted, holding his hand out the big Bostonian said, “my name’s Patrick Miss, and what would your name be?”

Lucy Robinson curtsied and said, “my name is Lucy and this is Peter, Jack and Sally,” Lucy gestured with a hand as she made the introductions.

“Well Miss Robinson,” said a beaming Patrick Kelly, your papers appear to all be in order and it just leave’s me to say “WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.”

Shortly after being welcomed into a brand new country the four Robinson children waited patiently outside the shed like facility and waited and waited, three hours later there was still no sign of Uncle Cyrus.

Five hours had gone by now and the children were beginning to get restless and Peter had started to cry for his Mother, both Lucy and Sally did their very best to calm him down but, well how can you really explain to a six year old what had actually happened.

Just when it was beginning to look impossible, a long sleek black motor car pulled up outside the immigration building and directly in front of the children.

A door on the long black vehicle opened and a tall man wearing a peaked cap as well as a sort of uniform got out and approached all four children.

He pointed at Lucy and said, “Are you the Robinson children from England?”

Lucy took charge and replied by saying “may I ask who you are sir?”

The tall uniformed man gave the appearance he was about to have a stroke and with both hands indignantly placed on hips said, “no you most certainly may not, now answer the question, are you the Robinson children?”

Lucy immediately took a disliking to this man and wanted to know where Uncle Cyrus was, however that was easier said than done as none of the children had ever seen the elusive Uncle Cyrus.

Even when he lived in England he never ever came to the house, indeed they were lucky to receive a Christmas card from him.

Lucy instinctively gathered the other three around and said, “We are the Robinson’s, well what’s left of em,” stated Lucy.

“Yes quite,” answered the tall uniformed man, but giving the impression he really didn’t give a hoot in hell.

"Well now we’ve established that, this way” and the tall man headed back to the long sleek automobile, he then opened the passenger door.

“Come along I haven’t got all day,” he shouted, with an air of impatience in his voice.

Lucy didn’t want to go anywhere with this strange man, however Peter had started to cry again and Sally as well as Jack had already begun to drag the suitcases toward the motor car, so reluctantly Lucy gave in and followed suit.

Not before though she again asked the tall stranger if they were going to see Uncle Cyrus?

For a split second the tall man grinned an evil smile, but only for a second and said, “ummm, yes Uncle Cyrus, of course, now get in the car, I’m late as it is.” He muttered under his breath, “pesky kids.”

Seymour Shank had worked for the Snikerton’s nigh on 30 years and in all that time he never asked any questions, no matter what, it paid not to, the Snikerton’s were well known and well connected in Boston society and one didn’t cross Ebenezer Snikerton or his wife Cecilia. 

Seymour glanced through the rear view mirror as he made his way around the outskirts of Boston and headed for Snape Manor, the Snikerton family home since the beginning of the revolution.

As Seymour glanced through the mirror again he began to wonder what the Snikerton’s had in mind for these kids, not that he cared, in Shank’s eyes children should be seen and not heard, pesky little blighters, always crying for nothing plus they always seemed to have runny noses and smelled a lot too.

Two hours later a black Rolls Royce Silver Cloud crunched over a gravel drive after passing through two huge black wrought iron gates which were attached to two equally large stone pillars that had the words SNAPE MANOR engraved on them.

As the gates automatically closed Peter began to cry again and just as Seymour was about to reprimand him for it, he smiled and then thought, he won’t be the only one blubbering when these brats finally to get to meet their new owners.

 

 

Shortly after exiting the car, the four Robinson children were shown to their room, if that’s what you could call it, Lucy thought it more like a dormitory like they had in Tom Browns school days. 

After depositing the children Seymour informed them all that they had one hour to unpack and clean themselves up, after that he would come and collect them.

“Don’t like him,” said little Peter and was just about to use his sleeve again as a makeshift handkerchief, when another one miraculously appeared as if by magic in Lucy’s hand and Peter’s face got swabbed again. 

Jack peered through the dorm door and then with a scowl on his face whilst wagging a finger at Lucy as well as speaking in a mock deep voice said, “NO, YOU MOST CERTAINLY MAY NOT.” Everyone fell about in a fit of giggles.

Jack was always the joker and for the first time in months, the sound of laughter once again weaved it’s magic in an effort to heal the wounds of loss and despair that had so cruelly befallen these unfortunate children.

Two tall black clad figures approached the bottom of a staircase and pausing, looked at each other. 

“Hear that Mr. Snikerton?” Said the female black clad figure.

“Yes indeed Mrs. Snikerton and not a sound we’re used to hearing,” answered the male black clad figure.

“No and believe you me, children weren’t put on this planet just so they could horse around and enjoy themselves, they have a reason for being like the rest of us and those four brats will soon understand what those reasons are." And as Cecilia Snikerton said those words, she smiled, though it wasn’t one of mirth and happiness, it was one of evil intent and abject cruelty and unfortunately for Lucy, Sally, Jack and little Peter, even after what they had already endured, the real nightmare was just about to begin.

Exactly one hour later, Seymour returned to escort the Robinson children down the long staircase and to finally meet the Snikerton’s. 

Shank’s smiled and thought to himself, an experience these snot nosed little brats wouldn’t ever forget.

The Robinson children accompanied by Seymour Shank entered the great hall, which doubled up as a dining room.

The first thing Lucy noticed were all the huge paintings adorning the walls of the hall and all of them seemed to be portraits of peoples faces, some dating back to the fifteenth century.

Smack bang in the middle of the hall was a very large table and seated at opposite ends were two figures both dressed in black.

Seymour ushered the four children toward the table.

Lucy was seated alongside her sister Sally whereas Peter and Jack were walked right around the table so they were now seated opposite and facing their sisters.

As soon as all four children were seated, two servants suddenly appeared and placed large bowls of steaming hot liquid in front of the six-seated dinners.

Plates of freshly baked bread rolls were also placed alongside the soup.

Four very hungry children stared at the steaming bowls of homemade beef broth and then stared again at the golden crusty bread rolls and as one four pairs of hands instantly grabbed for the food in front of them.

"STOP. HOW DARE YOU. Have you never heard of saying grace first?”

 

  

Lucy, Sally Jack and Peter, hands frozen and still hovering over those gorgeous looking crusty bread rolls, just stared at the tall woman dressed all in black, now standing at the end of the table.

Cecilia Snikerton slowly lifted the black veil she always wore, particularly when there were children around and stared directly at Lucy.

“I asked a question and I expect to be answered young lady?”

Lucy spoke up in reply. “But Mrs, Err, Oh I’m afraid I don’t know your name yet, err we kind of forgot, you see we haven’t eaten for hours and well, we’re very hungry.”

Cecilia paused a little and smiled albeit cruelly then said. “Aw well in that case I suppose we “could” overlook the matter this one time?” 

Cecilia continued to grin and looking up she snapped her fingers. In the large hall and given the acoustics it sounded like a whip crack. 

The two servants swiftly reappeared and Cecelia instructed them to remove the food from the table, only the children’s though.

 Cecilia Snikerton still staring at Lucy said, “however “We” won’t.”

Lucy, Sally, Jack all gasped in shock and Peter started to cry, “that will be quite enough of that” cried Cecilia and pointed an accusing finger at Lucy. “I hold “you” responsible as you’re the eldest and should know better, maybe by breakfast tomorrow you will have all learned your lesson”.

Seating herself back into her chair Cecilia again addressed the children and said. “I know this sounds harsh but children should learn proper manners and etiquette, therefore I’ll allow you all to stay seated whilst Mr. Snikerton and I finish our dinner. I also have a message to pass onto you regarding your uncle Cyrus as well and children.” 

At this point Cecilia Snikerton placed a long bony finger to her thin red lip sticked mouth and said.  “Not a sound, myself and Mr. Snikerton are not used having anyone at the dinner table and as such don’t want disturbing, is that clear?” 

Apart from a small whimper from little Peter, there wasn’t any kind of response from the Robinson’s, so Ebenezer Snikerton swiftly picked a large serving spoon up off the table and with a crashing sound brought it hard down onto the surface.

“Well,” bellowed Mr. Snikerton?

A few murmured yes’s sounded back from the Robinson kids and so throughout the whole of the two hour sitting, four extremely frightened, hungry, parentless, kids as well as being thousands miles away from home were made to sit and watch.

Cecilia and Ebenezer Snikerton first tucked into a first course of steaming hot broth followed by a huge golden brown Turkey which when carved had what looked like the whitest and most succulent meat the children had ever seen and as one all licked their lips in the hope Mr. and Mrs. Snikerton would find it in their hearts and let them have at least something, even it was only the left overs.

The dessert came in the form of the biggest apple pie ever and it was piping hot, added with of course the creamiest of fresh custard sauce.

At last, the Snikerton’s finally completed dinner and after daintily dabbing her mouth with a pure white cotton napkin Cecilia Snikerton spoke again

“What do we do before we eat at the table children?”

“WE SAY GRACE,” cried all four Robinson kids.

Cecilia spoke again and said, “you see, you’re learning already, myself and Mr. Snikerton both agree when it comes to bringing up children, learning the hard way is the best way, wouldn’t you agree Lucy?”

Lucy nodded that she did but was rather more concerned what Mrs Snikerton had just said, bringing up children, whatever did she mean by that and where was Uncle Cyrus?

Cecilia spoke again as Ebenezer Snikerton lit up a large cigar of which the smoke from it made the children cough, much to his amusement.

“I suppose you’re all wondering where your dear old uncle Cyrus is, well I’m afraid I have some terrible news for you children."

 And without any hesitation or any kind of compassion for how the children might react or feel she said. 

“HE’S DEAD.

Unfortunately Cyrus met with a rather unfortunate accident at the munitions factory he owns, er owned.”

Now at this point the children hadn’t a clue what had transpired before they had been evacuated from England but what actually happened was.

Cyrus Robinson after owing favors for years to the Snikerton’s and as well as being in their debt, indeed it was the Snikerton’s that made it possible for Cyrus to buy the munitions factory in the first place and it was the Snikerton’s that greased the wheels of power in Washington that swung the huge contracts Cyrus’s way.

Well of course Cecilia and Ebenezer wanted something in return and with both never having children and servant’s either getting too expensive or too old and dying off, the Snikerton’s had an idea.

They’d heard Cyrus mention the fact he was now the sole benefactor of four children, aged 12 10 11 and 6 respectively and proposed a deal to Cyrus.

At first Cyrus refused then after a bit of pressure from the Snikerton’s he finally agreed to pass sole custody of all four remaining Robinson children over to the Snikerton’s.

The deal was signed and Lucy, Sally, Jack and little Peter were now effectively and officially, under the care and guardianship of Cecilia and Ebenezer Snikerton.

And just to make sure the initial hesitancy was a one off occurrence, the Snikerton’s, as well as having powerful political connections, also had powerful criminal ones too..

Swiftly following a phone call to a certain Italian American family in New York, three days later. 

Cyrus Robinson was found inside a blast proof testing bunker, well pieces of him were anyway.

Apparently he’d gone in there with a full box of live hand grenades, which was of course a very foolish thing to do.

Standing now, Cecilia smiled the trademark Snikerton family smile and said. “So now you know children and as sole surviving Benefactors myself and Mr Snikerton have decided to let you stay in the great house” and at this point Cecilia’s smile widened even further. “But of course that means you will all have to earn your keep.”

Lucy, Sally, Jack and little Peter just stared back at Cecilia Snikerton in complete disbelief and then Lucy dared to speak up. 

“May I ask doing what?”

Cecilia was just about blast the wretched child on her impertinence but then decided against it, there would be another time for that. “All will be revealed in the morning dear children.” She snapped her fingers again and like magic, Seymour, the Snikerton’s chauffeur come lapdog appeared dangling a long brass key.

“Off you go children and make sure you get lots of beauty sleep.” The evil smile appeared once again. 

“You’re going to need it.”

Under Seymour’s supervision all four very hungry and desperate Robinson children were led off to their sleeping quarters. Going off what they’d just heard, things weren’t looking too good for four little English kids who were over three thousand miles away from home.

 

 Just before she fell asleep that night, belly still rumbling from hunger, Lucy knelt down and said a prayer,

 

 

"Please Lord I need your help,

Please protect my family

Sally, Jack and especially Peter.

He’s so small and precious and I

really don’t know what I’d do without him and last of all, please take care of Mummy and Daddy who are with you in heaven.

Please tell them we miss them so much, amen."

With tears streaming down both cheeks, Lucy checked her charges were all alright, then jumped into bed and cried herself to sleep.

 

Two month’s later

 

It was two weeks before Christmas and not a bauble or decoration in sight at Snape Manor.

In Cecilia Snikerton’s own words, she had decreed, “THERE’LL BE NO CHRISTMAS IN THIS HOUSE” and as such, life pretty much carried on as it always did.

The two servants that were on duty the evening Lucy and her younger siblings had turned up had since departed. Rather mysteriously it has to be said and as you can guess, the four Robinson children had now taken their places.

Lucy worked in the kitchen, her sister Sally mended any clothing that needed repairing as well as any housold fabrics such as drapes furnishings etc,  

Jack waited on the Snikerton’s hand and foot and always under the watchful eye of Seymour the chauffeur.

 Peter? Well poor Peter with him being only small, could only serve one purpose really.

He was forced to clean and sweep all the fireplaces including the huge chimneys that were prevalent throughout Snape manor which was a dangerous undertaking to say the least.

Indeed once or twice Lucy would hear the dreaded sound of a thud and as such would immediately race toward which ever fireplace she was nearest to and inevitably find a small bundle of soot punctuated by big bemused blinking eyes holding a brush.

Lucy would then quickly clean Peter up and check and see if he was OK.

However it wouldn’t be long before Seymour would again appear and again poor Peter, even when he cried from the soot stinging his eyes, had to return back to the nearest fireplace, collect his brushes and promptly disappear back up into the huge gaping hole.

Mr. and Mrs. Snikerton weren’t amused, no sir they weren’t amused at all..

Some busybody at City Hall had and unbeknownst to the Snikerton’s had somehow discovered Cecilia and Ebenezer had children at the manor and as such a what they called, a social inspector was about was going to call around and check everything was in shipshape.

“Preposterous” cried Cecilia when reading the letter, “it’s an outrage,” shouted Ebenezer.

“I’ll be on the horn to the senate committee over this,” but didn’t when he found out, much to his chagrin that it was the senate committee who had passed the new child care bill three years ago.

So as a consequence operation (pulling the wool) sprang into action and for the next three days the whole of Snape manor transformed from its usual drab state to what looked like a Christmas wonderland.

A huge tree was erected, decorated in the finest of baubles and tinsel, heaps of gaily wrapped boxes were placed under the twenty foot new England Spruce.

There wasn’t anything in them of course and the deception continued on, only this time in the form of brainwashing.

In an Oscar winning performance that surely Elizabeth Taylor herself would have been proud of, Cecilia informed the children that evening at dinner that she’d had a change in heart.

Indeed Cecilia even went so far as to say she’d received a vision from Jesus himself and as such promised to be a different person from now on.

Walking slowly over toward Lucy and believe me this was really hard for Cecilia, she knelt down and said. “Can “you” ever forgive Lucy, as the Lord Jesus forgave me?”

Lucy was just stuck for words and didn’t know what to say, here was this horrible woman who hadn’t shown them any kind of compassion or care from the moment she’d clamped eyes on them all.

However, the Robinson’s were a gentle trusting breed and as such Lucy slowly held out her left hand and placed it on Cecilia Snikerton’s right shoulder and said, “I forgive you Mrs. Snikerton and Mr. Snikerton too.” Well if Lucy could have actually seen Cecilia’s face, as her head was now turned the other way, Lucy would have indeed snatched it back away just as if it had been a rabid dog.

The ruse was now complete and Snape manor, looking like any other house anywhere in America at that time of year, lay ready and waiting for the visit of Mr. Do Gooding nosy parker child inspector.

The sound of a door bell rang and as Seymour went to answer it, a smiling Cecilia Snikerton hovered toward the children and feigning a look of sorrow as well tentatively patting each child on the head said. “Now remember children, let your New Mother do all the talking and everything will all be fine.”

It was little Peter that spoiled Cecilia Snikerton’s approach to getting in character for this most unwelcome snoop from city hall.

“But Mummy’s in heaven, Daddy is too and we miss them so much don’t we?”

Peter, holding Mr. Ted by one ear turned and looked up at his big sister Lucy for confirmation.

 Lucy smiled, glanced down and nodded yes. A little tear appeared on her right cheek as she gently pulled Peter along with Mr. Ted toward her.

It was all Cecilia Snikerton could do, not to pick Peter up by the scruff of his neck like the little runt he was and lock him in the kennels outside with all the other whining mutt’s.

However, there were more pressing matters in hand and looking around toward the hall entrance Cecilia Snikerton turned into Elizabeth Taylor.

 

 

A large man appeared alongside Seymour who apart from his employers who were trying to look like plausible Guardians, Seymour stayed exactly as he really was and glared balefully at the large tweed suited stranger standing in front of them.

Seymour joined Ebenezer who was also scowling, however Cecilia gushingly more than made up for the both of them and announced herself accordingly.

“Why Mr. Mass so good of you to come.” Shaking the man from City Hall by the hand Cecilia Snikerton introduced the four Robinson children.

First Peter who also made Mr. Mass shake hands with Mr. Ted as well as saying how do you do. Mr. Mass found this to be enchanting and said so, Cecilia’s face gave the appearance if you were to touch it, her face would shatter into a thousand pieces.

Jack was next and told Mr. Mass a joke, which again he found hilarious.

Then Sally, who told him the tweed suit he was wearing was really nice.

Mr. Mass thanked Sally and then with a mischievous smile said, “I bet you’d like the other one better.” Sally smiled albeit a puzzled one and wondered what on earth he meant by that.

Then last but not least Lucy, who curtsied and then said, it’s a pleasure to meet you Mr. Mass.” 

Mr. Mass had a big beaming smile on his face this time and slowly dipping his head he gently kissed Lucy’s outstretched hand, then said, “why Miss Lucy Robinson the pleasure’s all mine.”

Everyone one was startled and Seymour along with Ebenezer Snikerton furtively shuffled around like errant schoolboys waiting to be punished.

A still blushing Lucy replied and said, “Oh, however did you know my name, er Mr. Mass?” She was still in shock, Lucy had never had her hand kissed before, in fact she only thought they did that in Humphrey Bogart movies when he starred with Lauren Bacall.

Mr. Mass answered Lucy’s question. “Well young Miss Lucy, “I” happen to know an awful lot and a lot more than some folks give me credit for,” as Mr. Mass from city Hall said those words he turned and stared directly at the Snikerton’s.

This was absolutely ludicrous and Cecilia was starting to get tired of these little parlor games and as such took control.

“Mr. Mass may I have a word in private?”

The man from City Hall smiled and said, “yes of course Mrs. Snikerton, but first let me say a quick farewell to all the kids, that’s if it’s alright with you?”

Cecilia almost reverted back to type and muttered, “I suppose so, but can you please hurry I have an important charity ball to prepare for and the Robinson children aren’t the only under privileged kids in the world.” With that she snapped her fingers and swept out of the hall followed closely by Ebenezer and Seymour.

Mr. Mass then turned around to the Robinson kids and said. “Tell me children, if you had one wish, what would that be, we’ll start with the eldest this time, so you first Lucy?”

Lucy looked upwards and then said and without any hesitation, “I wish that everything turns out alright and no harm comes to me or my family.”

With a beaming smile, Mr. Mass turned his attention to Jack. This time Jack closed his eyes then said, “I hope and wish that one day we all become really rich and don’t have to worry about anything anymore.”

 

 Then it was Sally’s turn. Sally became all sort of glassy eyed and said “I want to be a fairy tale Princess and live in a massive castle and then one day marry a handsome Prince as well as living happily ever after of course.”

“But of course,” replied a beaming Mr. Mass. “Now then, onto the smallest of the family Robinson.” Leaning down on one knee the large built man from City Hall inched a little closer toward Peter.

“Well young Master Peter, if you were to have only one single wish, what would it be?”

Peter smiled shyly he wasn’t used to being the center of attention, though he usually was and played nervously with Mr. Ted’s ears. 

Then suddenly Peter looked straight into Mr. Mass’s eyes and said, “Can I ask Mr. Ted first?”

Mr. Mass smiled and it was a smile of warmth and kindness, he nodded in the affirmative and Lucy was beginning to wonder if this kind gentle man was who he said he was.

After placing Mr. Ted’s mouth to his ear for a few seconds Peter said he was ready.

“Please do tell,” said the still smiling Mr. Mass.

“Well,” said Peter, “me and Mr. Ted aren’t really sure if there is a Father Christmas, what I mean to say is,” none of us have ever actually seen him,”

Mr. Mass gently interjected and said, “well Peter, you’re not really supposed to see him, that’s the point. The whole magic of Santa Claus is about believing he exists but not being really sure if he does, has that made any sense at all young Peter?”

“Sort of,” replied Peter.

“so what is your wish young fellow?” Again asked Mr. Mass.

“My wish, sorry” and Peter looked at Mr. Ted, “our wish, is that we want to meet Father Christmas in person, then we’ll both know for sure,”

Mr. Mass stood up and vigorously rubbing the top of little Peter’s head along with a respectful pat on Mr. Ted’s head roared with laughter, clutching his belly with both hands as he did so. “ SEEING IS BELIEVING eh young Master Peter.”

A door opened at the end of the hall and both Cecilia and Ebenezer appeared, “Mr. Mass, if you don’t mind would you please hurry, as much as I respect your duties I’m rather late as it is.”

“Yes of course, of course,” replied Mr. Mass and shaking hands with each and everyone of the Robinson’s he prepared to leave.

However not before little Peter approached him again and looking up at the large man with snow white hair and beard said, “do you have a first name Mr. Mass, like my sisters Lucy, Sally, Jack and me?”

Mr Mass stopped dead in his tracks and then suddenly started to boom out that laugh again, replying he said. “Why of course I do young Master Peter,” at that moment Mr. Mass headed toward the door and the waiting Snikerton’s, but just before he left, he paused and turning toward all four children, said with a big wink, “my first name is “CHRISTOPHER and then he disappeared.

The ruse apparently worked and after Mr. and Mrs. Snikerton had produced a legal document stating that by law the Robinson children now lawfully belonged to the Snikerton’s, lock stock and barrel, Mr. Mass seemed satisfied all was in order. After wishing the Snikerton’s a very merry Christmas he departed back to City Hall.

As soon as Mr. Mass had departed the grounds of Snape Manor Cecilia Snikerton gave Seymour the order to remove anything at all that remotely resembled Christmas.

 

Snape Manor, Boston Massachusetts Christmas Eve 1940

 

 

All over the great state of Massachusetts preparations were being made for the big Day.

caroler’s were caroling, turkeys were plucked and children all over the Commonwealth were waiting in gleeful expectation of the main man himself, Santa Claus.

That is all except for four extremely unfortunate kids from England called Robinson. 

Immediately after the visit by the man from City hall, the Snikerton’s reverted back to type and all the decorations were removed, the tree taken down and any new clothes that had been specially purchased to make it look of course the Robinson children were properly cared for, were burned and Lucy, Sally, jack and little Peter were forced to watch and as always, under the watchful eye of Seymour Shanks.

While the clothing burned away in a makeshift brazier, Cecilia made a grand appearance and again wearing the ubiquitous veil.

“Well my little darlings, pray tell me what you see, you first Lucy, since you appear to know everything?”

Lucy had tears in her eyes along with Sally, Jack and Peter, Mr. Ted wasn’t present he’d been given to the hounds to play with and poor poor Peter had been made to watch as they proceeded to tear him to pieces. Of course believing Mr. Ted to be a rabbit. 

Peter was heartbroken and sobbed continuously for nearly two whole days and all Cecilia Snikerton could do was grin in a cruel manner.

Lucy answered by saying that it was their nice new clothes that were now burning away in front of them. She tried to be brave and not cry in front of her brother’s and sister Sally, but it was becoming increasingly harder to keep her chin up and didn’t know how much longer she could cope. 

Lucy had trusted this woman and now this.

“WRONG” little Miss know it all,” cried a triumphant Cecilia Snikerton.

She carried on with the torture. “Look more closely child, now tell me again what you see?”

A wretched Lucy just helplessly nodded, not knowing what to say.

“Never mind child, I’ll help you,” gloated Cecilia and now standing in front of the children she gestured toward the flickering flames and after pausing a little she flung up both arms and again triumphantly cried out. “ALL YOUR DREAMS AND HOPES” you sniveling little brats, did you honestly think I’d actually had a vision, did you actually believe that myself and Mr Snikerton “LIKE” children? “NO,” Cecilia screamed “I HATE CHILDREN, HATE HATE HATE." As she screamed those words Cecilia Snikerton dementedly jumped up and down  as if she herself was on fire.

Cecilia eventually calmed down and after lighting a long thin cigarette, she informed the children she had some news for them.

Poor Lucy nearly fainted.

 “Noooo, you can’t do this, you just can’t, pleeez Mrs. Snikerton I’m begging you pleeez don’t do this” and subsequently Lucy fell to her knees sobbing. it appeared finally poor Lucy had apparently reached breaking point.

 

 

Cecilia smiled while she exhaled her cigarette smoke toward the children, then replied by saying “au contraire young Miss Lucy, you seem to have forgotten “I” own your miserable carcasses, which means “I” can do what the hell I please, anyway its already been decided, they leave tomorrow, now inside all of you, there’s work to be done.”

The news Lucy had been told was horrific! They were to be split up.

Lucy and Sally were staying here at Snape Manor slaving as per usual for the Snikerton’s. But worse, far worse was the fact both Jack and little Peter, her little sweet Peter were being taken to that dreadful Munitions place somewhere far away and Lucy knew it was a very dangerous place as Uncle Cyrus found out to his peril.

The Snikerton’s swept down the main staircase and both looked resplendent in all their best finery..

They were attending the Annual Boston Rotary Club Christmas Eve Charity Ball, not that the Snikerton’s ever gave any money away that is..

.

Cecilia Snikerton was wearing a glittering diamond encrusted gown that shimmered every time she moved, accompanied by an equally glittering tiara.

As Ebenezer headed toward the waiting Rolls Royce with of course Seymour chauffeuring, Cecilia headed toward the kitchen and confronted the four still weeping Robinson children.

She instantly clapped both her hands together which were now clad in expensive elbow length opera gloves.

“That’s quite enough of that,” Cecilia cried and then she pointed directly at Lucy,

“I’m personally holding you responsible if these brats haven’t cleaned this house by the time I return.

I want it looking like a new pin as I have guests coming tomorrow and mark my words young lady, if it isn’t perfect, “YOU” don’t get to say goodbye to those two.” As Cecilia said those words, she pointed a silver opera gloved hand at both Jack and Little Peter, “understand?”

Just as Cecilia was about to close the door and lock it, she popped her head back round it again and said, “Oh kids I almost forgot, “MERRY CHRISTMAS.” The door then slammed shut followed by a locking sound. 

For the first time since the children had arrived at Snape Manor, they actually heard Cecilia Snikerton laugh, though really it was a sort of hysterical cackle.

All four Robinson children huddled as one together and instead of cleaning the great house as instructed, they duly sobbed themselves to sleep.

 

 

 

Christmas Day at Snape Manor

 

Overnight there had been a great storm and a white blanket now lay all around Snape Manor. 

Daylight shafted in through the great house kitchen window and Lucy awoke with a start. She was sure she could hear banging from somewhere, instinctively she grabbed a hold of the three siblings and waited.

It was then Lucy noticed the kitchen door that had been locked the previous night, was now slightly ajar, curious thought Lucy.

 

She gently nudged the others awake and slowly but surely, all four Robinson kids made their way toward the great hall.

What they saw next completely knocked all four children for six.

There glittering away in the corner was the biggest Christmas tree they’d ever seen, even larger than the one erected to try fool the child inspector from City Hall.

There were also lots of other seasonal decorations, bouquets of fresh holly, Christmas wreaths, and on the main table itself was a spread fit for a king. 

There was a huge turkey, accompanied by bowls of sweet potatoes and other such seasonal vegetables.

Centerpiece of this array of edible delights was the biggest Plum Pudding the Robinson’s had ever seen, complete with a sprig of green holly.

Peter shouted and Lucy jumped, “Look,” again shouted Peter.

There amazingly underneath the huge tree must have been the largest collection of Christmas Presents ever and as the children got nearer, they in turn realized the presents all had their names on brightly colored gift tags attached to them.

However the thing that had made little Peter shout in utter joy was,perched right on top of all the other gifts was an exact replica of his beloved Mr. Ted.

As Peter ran over toward the big brown teddy bear, Lucy wept tears of joy.

 She didn’t quite know what was going on here yet but whatever it was, it was something very special. Then she heard the banging again and sobering reality kicked in.

Shouting for the rest of the family to head toward her, Lucy, along with Sally, Jack and little Peter, who was now clutching the new Mr. Ted with both hands, no one was taking him this time, no one, they all approached the main front door.

*BANG BANG BANG*

 “Open up, this is the Police,” a voice on the other side cried.

Lucy shouted back that they couldn’t, it was locked, the voice asked if they could open a window and Lucy again told the voice they were locked too.

Then the voice said stand back.

All four children, now standing at a safe distance waited as the sound of banging intensified, as well as the sound of splintering wood. 

Eventually three uniformed officers from the Boston Police department, appeared through the broken door, accompanied by two ordinarily dressed men albeit in big winter coats.

What transpired next came as an even greater surprise to Lucy, even than the tree full of presents.

“I’m so sorry for your loss Miss Robinson, as if you haven’t had enough bad luck.” The policeman couldn’t quite understand why, even though he’d just told of a terrible accident on the outskirts of Boston, why all four children had smiles on their faces.

Apparently during the severe storm a freak bolt of lightning had seemingly struck the Snikerton’s black Rolls Royce, instantly killing all the occupants inside. 

in fact all that was left were the rather grisly charred remains of Cecilia and Ebenezer Snikerton along with of course one Seymour Shanks.

After the Police had finished talking to the children, the two accompanying men wearing big winter coats as well as large fedora style hats approached all four Robinson’s.

 

 

The first man was from the Boston Social Services Department and duly informed the Robinson children, because they were now effectively again regarded as orphaned, they were now legally in their custody.

However, the first fedora wearing man then made way for the second fedora man.

He cleared his throat, placed some spectacles on the end of his nose and then said. “Miss Lucy Robinson, Miss Sally Robinson, Mr. Jack Robinson and last of all, Mr. Peter Robinson,” the man paused and then read out loud something that was written on an official looking document.

“It is my solemn duty of on behalf of Morgan and Morgan Investment Bank, to inform yourselves that because of recent tragic circumstances,” the fedora wearing man looked directly at all four children as he said the next few life changing words.

“That according to Boston law, as sole surviving legal members of Snikerton estates you are bequeathed all existing assets and properties pertaining to said estate.”

The fedora wearing man then removed his spectacles, politely folded the official looking document and tucked it in his inside pocket, then said, “Are there any questions?”

Lucy spoke on behalf of everyone and said, “I’m not sure what that means sir?”

The fedora man smiled for the first time and replying said. “It means Miss Robinson, you, along with the rest of your family are now among the richest in the whole of America.”

 

*****

Boston Massachusetts 2015

 

From that day onward all the Robinson children’s woes and troubles were finally over.

Lucy enjoyed a wonderful lifestyle, married and bore three beautiful children..

Sally got be a fairy tale Princess as well as living in a castle, by actually marrying a real live Austrian Prince.

Jack became one of the wealthiest investment bankers in America, just like he said he would..

Peter? 

Well all those wishes that were made in the great hall all those years ago, really and incredibly came to pass one way or the other.

Except you’re thinking, for little Peter and Mr. Ted, who of course wanted proof there really “IS” a Father Christmas, Santa Claus, call him what you will.

Well I’ll let you into a little secret. 

The man from City Hall, Mr. Mass? Well I still think that was really him and “he” knew the Snikerton’s were bad and I truly believe even now and I’m 81 years old and the only surviving member of the Robinson family and probably still, the only human being, along of course with Lucy, Sally and Jack to actually see the great man himself.

So if anyone should dare tell you that there is no such person as Santa Claus, then get them to read my story.

I’m sure they will after that, you see, SEEING, REALLY IS BELIEVING,

 

THE END