A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH

Mossley, Thursday Jan 8th 1974

“ARRRGH.” 

I leapt out of bed faster than an evacuating passenger on the Titanic, still screaming I swiftly removed copious amounts of snow from my pyjama bottoms.

Brand new swearwords were evolving as we speak as I desperately tried to remove the freezing powder. 

A head popped around the bedroom door and a laughing face spoke.. 

“Morning, this is your 8 0’ clock alarm call and we don’t want you lying in when there’s a big day ahead do we now?”

I glared balefully at my brother and informed him in no uncertain terms that retribution would be swift and probably violent.

He just laughed again and said, “Hey Ste look, it’s been snowing, it must be at least a foot deep out there, don’t think you’ll be playing footy today?”

As my brother David said this, he took a piece of curtain and dug into a layer of ice that had formed on the INSIDE of the bedroom window, no central heating in those days.

“See,” he said and I duly peered through the newly made ice porthole.. 

Outside looked like an Arctic wasteland and someone on their way to work gave the impression of Captain Scott battling his way to the southern pole, all in vain of course.

“So no football today and such a big match too.” He smirked even more when he realised how important this was to me, just like brother’s do. 

It was a vital inter schools match against the hated Two Trees school from Denton and I had been looking forward to this for weeks.

However, unlike today‘s elf n safety obsessed world, the sun came out and things would progress as normal. 

The school caretaker having fallen asleep drunk in the school again and in anticipation of a snow storm, had made sure the oil fired heating was on all night.

So much to the chagrin of 99 per cent of the pupils, Mossley Hollins Secondary modern was open for business.. 

More incredibly the pitch that the game was being played on, had remained remarkably unscathed, possibly due to a high bluff just in front of it, this would have offered some protection against the drifting snow.

******

Pre match team talk 

“Right you lot, shut it."

There was instant silence all except for one, “David Mathers.”

Mr Storey, our team coach, maths and PE teacher, fixed a baleful glare onto the unfortunate Mathers.. 

Whilst still fixing that unwavering gaze on the wretched pupil, Mr Storey carried on.

“As you lot know this is a must win match, plus it’s not only about beating another team at football, it’s about pride,” still glaring at Mathers he said, “have you got pride Mathers?”

“Yes sir,” answered Mather’s.

Mr Storey beckoned Mathers to come over to him and everyone else watched in gleeful anticipation of what was about to happen to the unfortunate Mathers and as terrible as it sounds and I’m not afraid to admit it, it’s so much more fun when the other kid gets picked out.

Whilst Mathers was walking the green mile, Mr Storey carried on with the pep talk.. 

“ANTICIPATION,” expecting the unexpected, if you’re one step ahead of the opposition you CAN NOT BE BEATEN, do I make myself clear?”

Everyone murmured under their breaths which prompted Mr Story to bellow, “WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT RESPONDING TO ANY QUESTION I ASK?”

As one the whole changing room said and with all the gusto of a Royal Marine Commando unit about to embark on a suicide mission, “YES SIR YES.”

A smile trickled onto Geoff Storey’s face, loved discipline did Geoff, kids should be taught the same as soldiers, lack of discipline breeds malcontent, resulting in the breakdown of order and Geoffrey Storey wasn’t about to let that happen, not while he was still breathing anyway.

“Always expect the unexpected,” said Mr Storey and at this point, much to the horror of Mathers, he’d kicked both trainers off his feet and now brandished them, one in each hand, a bit like a wild west gunslinger.

Staring into Mathers soul, Geoff said, “see these?” Being only an uncomfortable three inches away from Mathers bulging eyes, he couldn’t possibly not see them and nodded against a background of smirking schoolboys.

“Which one do you want me to clobber you with, go on, pick one” said Geoff? 

Mathers was in a quandary he didn‘t want to be 'clobbered' full stop, but he dare not disobey Sir, so he tentatively, ever so slowly, as if it were a live Scorpion, gently touched the training boot that was being held in Sir’s left hand.

The second Mather’s finger touched the LEFT trainer, the RIGHT trainer crashed into his forehead (heel first) and even though Mathers knew nothing good was going to come out of this encounter, he still hadn’t anticipated being struck, Cobra like with the right hand boot.

“SEE,” said a twinkle eyed Geoff, “ALWAYS EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED.” 

A whimpering Mathers was dismissed with utter disdain back to his team mates and the rest of the team talk followed without any further incident.

The match, for the record was won 2-1 in favour of Mossley Hollins which was never in doubt really, not when you have a coach probably descended from the Marquis De Sade himself and a team talk that’s on a par with the same pep talk given just before THE CHARGE OF THE BLEEDING LIGHT BRIGADE.

Mr Geoff Storey was quite the character and probably still holds the unofficial record for hitting THREE pupils in lightning quick succession from 20 feet with a backboard rubber.. 

It was and I quote, “a revolutionary new discovery in Physics, called the skimming effect,” unquote. 

But the phrase I will always remember and will probably take to the grave is this one.

“Remember Garside, winning a football match isn’t just about being victorious, it’s much more than that.. Wining is everything, in fact you could say, IT IS A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH.” 

THE END